Dad On Duty #53

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Our new AP has just started, but she spent most of the week in District orientation. She’s really not here yet.

The Boss is still having to handle all the conflicts, behavior issues and….mostly….the kids who need extra attention.

That’s a lot of what public school is about. It is the epitome of the 80/20 rule; 80% of your effort is spent on 20% of the kids.

This is so much like my old life, working as a paramedic in the street and a tech in the ER. In those settings, we were the safety net for health and social needs that were unmet by society.

At the school, we are also the backstop for unmet health and social needs….we do a lot of that……but we have the added burden of providing emotional support and behavioral guidance for many of the kids.

I never really tried to teach my 25 year old addicts better interpersonal conflict resolution skills when I was a paramedic (me- “maybe if you’d used your words, rather than hitting him, he wouldn’t have stabbed you. At least not 17 times”. Patient- “cough, gasp”). But it consumes a good bit of our days here at the school, for all of us.

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The Boss rushes past me in the hallway, and grabs my arm. “Come with me. One of your kids is really sideways”. I follow her to the classroom, prepared for anything. My job here is just to back her up, and then engage him after she’s done talking. This kid and I have been working together for a while, and (intentionally) our relationship is now separate from the Boss, the teachers and even the parents. It stands on its own, and because of that, I can talk to him outside those other boxes.

Sometimes it works.

Sometimes it doesn’t.

The student respond to the Boss’ intervention, although in a difficult way (“I’ll do it, but not because you told me to”). “Stick with him. I gotta go to another kid”, the Boss tells me. And off she goes to the next fire.

It’s a good call on her part; Kid 1 responds well to me, and I can usually get it done. The kid she’s enroute to now….I got nothing. He just doesn’t connect to me. But he responds really well to her, and a couple other (female) teachers.   Yall handle him, I’ll watch this guy. Divide and conquer. Although I don’t think we’ve really conquered anything in this case.

I monitor my assigned kid and his interaction with his teacher. I pull him out and talk with him, twice. He straightens up and does ok. Not great, but ok.

I’ll have to settle for that, because I’m out of time and resources. That is the reality of the situation.

The Boss passes me again. “Doing OK?” she asks. “Yes ma am”. “Ok, good, cause now I gotta go deal with <kid 3>”. Woof. We’re spread a little thin today.

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Is it fair that the “trouble” kids get all the attention, when your good kid doesn’t?
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Some of my parent friends have pointed to that one issue…the 80/20 factor….as the singular reason they prefer private school over public.

They may have a point.

But first and foremost, know this; in the classroom, at the teacher-student level, your good kid gets plenty of individual attention. The classroom teachers are trained….and, importantly, they actually do it…..to turf the high needs students to the next level (administrators, counselors, mentors/volunteers). They stay focused on the 80% of the kids.

Your kid’s teacher knows your “good” kid well and spends lots of time with her. I see it first hand. You’re fine.

Secondly, this is the reality of the grownup world. Do human Resources departments exist for the 80% of employees who follow the rules; who do their jobs and stay outta trouble?   No. One part time clerk could handle everything related to those employees at Dell, for all 90,000 of their employees across the world. The other 750 HR folks at Dell are there to deal with the problem children.

Do you know that in healthcare, 1% of the population account for 30% of the total healthcare contacts?   (True).

Your kid finding their way, and their place, in an environment which is disproportionately skewed toward a troubled minority is very real preparation for success in the real world.

That particular fact is one of the biggest reasons our kids have gone…and will always go to…public school. This is what the actual world looks like. I need them to practice being successful in THAT world. Not the Berry Creek Country Club, people-mow-my-lawn-and-clean-my-house-world in which they live.

So back to the original question…..is it fair?

Actually, yes.

My kid, and your kid, are getting plenty of good attention from the teachers. They are learning stuff, including how to be successful in a very diverse environment.

And I think….hope….that we are also making a difference in the lives of the high needs kids. And that will benefit us all, at a large scale.

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At the very end of the day, I pull my assigned kid aside. I hold him tightly. “did you hear me earlier? Do you understand what I’m asking you to do?” He nods his head. I push him back and look him hard in the face. “I really care about you. This is a big deal to me. I need you to do better”. He looks up and connects…intently and intensely. “I know” he says.

And I think he does.

Now I gotta go collect my actual child, and be a real parent to her.