Dad on Duty #130 – Footprints On My Soul

Footsteps on my soul.

I’ve previously written about this, a couple of years ago.

But today these words called to me again, in a deeper and different way.

I think it’s worth some attention. You might find something here for your own reflection, in this discussion.

I’ll leave it here, and let you decide.

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As you may know, for the past year or so I’ve been struggling with damage done by my previous profession.  Suddenly, years of scary, mean and sad stuff rose to the surface and almost devoured me. 

I found my way back to some level of normalcy. 

And on my pathway to that healing, I learned to check the status and health of my soul. That’s where, ultimately, the damage is stored.

As we approach the end of the school year, I have been reflecting more and more on the kids I, now, don’t get to see.  The field trips and parties and events I don’t get to go to. The emotional and behavioral needs and challenges that I now can’t help with.

And all that reflection led me to a soul-check. Any active injuries in there?  How are we doing?

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As I run my hand across my own soul, I can feel the divots and pock marks and craters, from many things I’ve experienced. 

If you check your own soul, I bet you will too.

I also feel all the footprints.  Especially of the children with whom I’ve interacted over these eight years of volunteering in school. 

Some of those footprints are light impressions, like that of a butterfly or maybe a bird, that landed for a moment.  Those are nice.

Others are huge gashes, left by a steel-toed boot wielded in anger. Some of those still bleed a little.

Most are noticeable indentions, left by relatively small feet….but feet carrying such a terrible, heavy weight.  Those are, in reality, the most distressing ones. And there are so very, very many of those.

Every one of them matters to me.  My hand lingers over each one, and I remember.

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I worry that my soul-space might be getting full, maxed out.  Maybe that’s why I had so much trouble.  What if I’m running out of places for the footprints?

Maybe it’s time to quit. 

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Then I had an epiphany.  Something that might matter to you.

I realized, and I believe, that if I just let go…..let myself be the person God has asked me to be…..that my soul is, in fact, infinite.

Infinite.

It will expand to accommodate a limitless number of footprints, so long as I believe that it will.  And so long as I trust.

That. Changes. Everything.

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So keep stepping. I can take it.

I’ll be ok.

Because I believe.